Blog
Valentine’s Day gone wrong
And then there was an argument
Have you ever been in the middle of a confrontation with your partner and realized you weren't getting anywhere?
Chances are you used the wrong words. Maybe your language led the conversation in the wrong direction; maybe you were not open to understanding each other's arguments; maybe you were criticizing and refusing to listen to each other?
Words have influence, and communication is essential to keep a relationship intact. If there is no communication, there is no relationship. But changing the energy between the two of you from unfriendly to friendly can make all the difference.
Take the right steps toward each other
The first step is to recognize that your interaction is not going well and that you need to change your approach to understand each other better. For this, it is important to be straightforward with your partner. You must be able to acknowledge your own boundaries (Tea Tree) and keep your communication open and honest (Lavender (Lavendel)).
The second step is to first acknowledge how you feel (Bergamot) and then (just as important!) acknowledge how your partner feels (Geranium) .
If you feel that you or your partner are not doing well, ask a question.
For example:
Can we start over?
Can you repeat what you say, but in a quieter tone?
Can we take a moment to start over and really listen to what the other person is saying?
This can change the direction of your conversation.
Validating each other's feelings can transform a conversation and restore trust. This requires that you both want to fix things and are willing to listen to each other (Console, Adaptiv) .
Communication is your golden key
Sometimes we are so focused on being heard that we forget that our partner also has the right to be heard. And sometimes we hear only what we want to hear – but that is not effective listening.
If this is often the case in your relationship, you can also agree to listen to each other first, repeat what the other person has said and only then respond to it (Balance (Balance)).
If you are in the middle of an argument with your partner, you are both eager to be heard and probably with proving yourself right. What is important is that you level the playing field by respectfully asking to be heard and assuring that your partner will also be heard (Brave).
If your partner refuses to be communicative, tell why that hurts you. Tell him or her that this makes you feel unwanted; that you are not important to him or her. Try something like this:
If you refuse to communicate with me, it feels like I'm not important to you.
Can you please talk to me and let me deal with you?
Many conversations and arguments between partners struggle to reach the actual issue because they are so often lost in criticism of each other. Recognizable? We are often so used to criticism in life that it is difficult to find a way past it. It is often a refuge in arguments. But insults won't get you anywhere.
A good relationship builds two people up and not down. We have mostly fallen for each other because we have been able to make each other feel like special people; that the other is important to you. Respect in communication is important, but even more important is love.
So tell your partner that you want to be addressed as if you are someone he or she loves.
Dare to be vulnerable
It's okay to be vulnerable.
Be open.
Ask to be heard.
Allow your partner to be heard.
Ask for explanations where you need them and don't be afraid to apologize if you are wrong (Forgive).
Your relationship will fail if you don't open up to each other. If you find it difficult to find the right words and get “order in your heart and head,” write down what you want to say first and ask for time to do so (intune (Concentratiesamenstelling), Vetiver).
Absolutely don't be afraid to apologize and admit when you were wrong. In fact, your partner will probably appreciate you more if you take responsibility for something you did or said. Take responsibility for your behavior; this is important for healing your relationship dynamics.
Perhaps your behavior was erratic. Maybe you overreacted to something that happened or something that was said. Perhaps you intentionally put on a blind spot and simply refused to listen to what your partner had to say.
By admitting things like this, you build trust with your partner. It happens to all of us – no need to feel embarrassed. You also really don't make yourself smaller when you admit, that you made a mistake (Green Mandarin (Groene Mandarijn), Oregano Touch).
Try using phrases like these to express how you feel:
I recognize that I really hurt you.
How can I fix this?
I understand that my behavior has been really destructive.
Admit that your behavior was unnecessary and why your partner did not deserve to be the recipient of that behavior. Acknowledge that you hurt him or her and that it was not your intention (Magnolia, Neroli).
Let love do the talking
But it cannot just stop at making up with each other; there must be forgiveness. Here are a few examples of what you can say or show to your partner when you are ready to let go and make amends:
I see how upset you are and I really feel terrible about it.
Can we stop for a moment and hold each other?
Messages like this offer a direct request to make amends. They also recognize that what matters to you is how your partner feels. It allows you both to see that neither of you is gone and that you are able to heal the hostility.
The key to good communication is your attitude toward your partner.
Learn to speak to each other, as two people who love each other (Passion, Ylang Ylang, Rose Touch).
Once everything is cleared up again, also take the time to set an intention together and make a plan of how you want to move forward together in the future (Litsea (Litsea), Stronger).
The oil tips given in the text are best used by applying them to your wrist and inhaling, using them in the diffuser or rubbing them on your heart.
Want to read more on this topic? This is a good book:
